A Letter to the Kansas City Royals

Warning:  This post contains lots and lots of expletives

Dear Royals,

What the fuck is wrong with you?  I mean seriously, you all fucking suck. What the fuck?  Why do you continue to be so fucking awful? Yeah, whatever, you had a winning April for the first time since 2003, big fucking deal.  That shouldn't be an accomplishment to be proud of.  The only reason you looked so good in the first 30 games this year was because no teams had taken you seriously.  Now we all have seen what happens when teams start paying you a little attention.  

Seriously, you've fucking managed to play worse this past month than the past 5 years combined.  What the fuck happened? Every pitcher you face becomes a Cy Young candidate, and every offense you face becomes the Yankees.  What are you planning on doing to change this?  How about this:

• Quit giving up first inning runs, you pieces of shit!!  Even you Greinke.  I don't care what your record is or how many complete games you have. You all are getting paid well enough to get 3 outs without allowing a run in the first.  This is fucking ridiculous.  If I were Hillman, I'd have someone warming up in the bullpen the moment the game started.  Once the first run crosses the plate, yank whoever is out there.  Fuck them!  Don't give up a run in the first next time.

• Get rid of Jose Guillen.  Fuck him and his legs. The offensive is so awful right now that who cares if he is gone, it wouldn't change anything.  I don't know how many fly balls have dropped in front of him this year, but I do know that nearly all of them have led to opposing runs.  Screw him.  Get him out of here and put someone, anyone with fresh legs in right field.

• When it comes to second base and shortstop, I am clueless.  Everybody in the organization sucks at those two positions.  Like the balls dropping in front of Guillen, I don't know how many slow rollers up the middle I have seen this year.  If people are in the lineup because if their bat, good luck with all that. 

• Have a catcher fire sale.  Get rid of both of them. They fucking suck in all categories.  Neither of them can call a game worth of shit.  Bring up the switching hitting Pena.  If he sucks, well, he's a rookie and it's what is expected.  Olivo and Buck have no more excuses for sucking so bad.
  

Make those changes (as well as trading Teahan to the Cardinals for Khalil Greene as soon as Alex Gordon is healthy) and I will be a happy fan.  Or as happy as a Royals fan could be. 

Until then, fuck you all for sucking so bad.  The stadium looks great.

Stuff

Has it been five weeks?  Five weeks since I stopped drinking soda pop?  It has!  How do I feel?  Normal I guess.  I haven't noticed any big change yet, and I don't really expect to for quite a while.  In this five weeks I have been substituting iced tea for soda.  It's been okay.  Recently, however, I have learned about a drink called the Arnold Palmer.  It's iced tea mixed with lemonade.  I like it a lot.  

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I received my grades from school.  All A's.  I think this is the first time that has ever happened.  Unless you were to go all the way back to elementary school, in which one year I got all S's.  I may have even gotten a new toy out of it. 

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Collin has been having an interesting last couple of weeks of Kindergarten.  The usually angel-like school boy had done something so out of character that they school actually had to call me and ask me to come get him, 45 minutes before school was going to be let out anyway.  I would say they overacted a tad, especially since we're talking about a 6 year old here.  I won't go into detail about what happened.  Instead, I will direct you to the blog of my lovely and talented wife, Lisa. She has described this event better than I ever could.

Lawnmower Man

I should have mowed the lawn last night, but I put it off until this morning while the rest of the neighborhood was at work.  It's because our lawnmower is dying.  Or at least it sounds like it is.  It's awful.  It felt like I'd be doing everyone's ears a favor by mowing it early.

I caught a break this morning when a CAT showed up across the street and started destroying the driveway across the street.  So I got out there and started in on the law.  I think the noise of the CAT drowned out the mower, but it was hard to tell, over the GOD-AWFUL coughs and belches of our mechanical death cutter.  I swear I saw the driver of the CAT give me a few "Dude. WTF?" looks.

I think its time to get a new mower.

I Know The Economy Is Bad, But Sheesh!

Last night the family went out to eat at a local Chinese buffet in Waldo.  We visit this place every now and then 1.) because it's close, 2.) because we love Chinese buffets, and 3.) because there is a claw game there that Collin likes to play.

This place is not one of the friendliest of places in town. However, this does not keep us from enjoying the food.  

At one point last night, Collin accidentally spilled his drink on the table.  Being the natural reflexing parents that we are, Lisa and I grabbed the closest absorbent objects we could find (which happened to be a basket of napkins on the table) and proceeded to mop up the table and floor with them.

When the lady at the front register caught wind of the situation, she rushed over and gasped at the sight of all the wet napkins.  

"All those napkins" she muttered with a look of disbelief.

She snatched napkins from our hands and then started sifting through them, as if to be looking for ones that weren't that wet, right there at our table.  Once she felt that it was a lost cause, she walked away shaking her head.

A few moments later, Lisa and Collin walked up to the register, with Collin holding the last of the wet napkins, to ask if we did anything wrong.  The woman grabbed the napkins out of Collin's hands and threw then in the trash, shook her head some more and said that her english wasn't so good.  

Whatever.  She can be upset  But it made me want to walk around to ALL the tables and pour soy sauce into every basket of napkins.

It's too bad the food is so good, otherwise we'd probably stop going.  It might take them getting rid of the claw game to do so.