Notes from an Experiment.

Hypothesis - If you were to give the mentally retarded LSD then they would become normal for roughly eight hours.

Dependent variable - Sanity.
Independent variable - LSD.

8:47 AM - Arrange trap inside garage:  A card table with chair, a box of Hostess CupCakes, the board game Candy Land, and a cd player repeating playing Y.M.C.A.

9:15 AM - Open garage door.

9:16 AM - Subject "Carl" enters garage.

9:46 AM - Subject "Carl" sits down.

9:48 AM - LSD is placed on card table and Subject "Carl" is instructed not to eat it.

9:49 AM - Subject "Carl" eats LSD.

10:15 AM - Subject "Carl" stares at hands.

10:17 AM - Subject "Carl" is asked how he is feeling.  His response is "Butterscotch."  Too early in experiment to determine if LSD has taken affect. 

10:32 AM - Subject "Carl" laughs at his own feet.  Could be nothing.

10:37 AM - Glass of orange juice is placed on card table.  Subject "Carl" looks at glass, salivates, then laughs at feet again.

10:45 AM - Subject "Carl" stretches in chair and begins to rub his neck.  

10:47 AM - After rubbing of the neck, Subject "Carl" stares at hand slightly different than before.

10:49 AM - Subject "Carl" is asked how he is feeling.  His response is "My hands are feeling a little strange."  Then with look of amazement says, "I just spoke in a complete sentence."

10:59 AM - Subject "Carl" drinks the orange juice and then laughs at Candy Land.

11:20 AM - Subject "Carl" makes nonsensical noises with mouth, then looks around, possibly looking for whoever is responsible for those noises.

11:26 AM - Subject "Carl" asks "How did this applesauce get on my shirt?"

10:28 AM - Subject "Carl" asks "Who has been gnawing on my sleeves?"

11:30 AM - Subject "Carl" asks "Why am i wearing a helmet?"   

11:42 AM - Subject "Carl" grabs card table tightly as if it were about to fly away.  Stares straight ahead and begins to make more nonsensical noises. 

11:54 AM - Subject "Carl" asks politely "Could you please turn off this music?  It's driving me crazy."  Sure sign that sanity level has changed.

12:22 PM - Subject "Carl" stands up.  Looks back down at feet.  Sits back down and bends over to ties shoelaces.

12:23 PM - Subject "Carl" stands back up and moves around garage rather swiftly.

12:26 PM - Subject "Carl" appears to be studying items in garage.

1:25 PM - Subject "Carl" fixes broken lamp in corner.  Unclear as to how and with what.

1:28 PM - Subject "Carl" asks if I would like to buy a lamp.

1:46 PM - Subject "Carl" asks "How long do you plan on keeping me in here?"  Starts to get fidgety, more so than before experiment.

2:14 PM - Subject "Carl" points to something behind my shoulder.  I look.

Seconds later PM - Subject "Carl" physically breaks down garage door and disappears.

3:32 PM - Radio news bulletin reports that a small school bus was hijacked in the area and taken to local community college.

3:49 PM - Arrive at local community college.

3:55 PM - Onlooker states that a man with applesauce on his shirt ran by him heading towards the science building.  Onlooker also states that the man was carrying a gun.  No idea where the gun came from.

4:02 PM - Enter doors of science building.  People scream somewhere in the building.

4:15 PM - Finds Subject "Carl" in classroom, holding students and teacher at gunpoint.

4:16 PM - Subject "Carl" demands "Give me some chalk and nobody gets hurt!"

4:20 PM - Subject "Carl" finds chalkboard and starts writing out and solving simple math problems.

4:22 PM - The Police arrive.  They do nothing but watch.

4:55 PM - Subject "Carl" erases chalkboard and writes what appears to be the Pythagorean theorem.  Then yells "Of course!"

5:31 PM - Subject "Carl" erases chalkboard and writes out Einstein's theory of relativity and Newton's law of gravity.

5:34 PM - Student in classroom whispers to another student "Are they filming Good Will Hunting II here?"

5:58 PM - Subject "Carl" erases chalkboard, turns around and exclaims "I present to you, the cure for cancer!"  Then turns back around and starts formulating.

6:37 PM - Subject "Carl" looks to almost be finishing up.  To this point he has filled three chalkboards up with figures and numbers.  His face is red and sweaty. 

6:47 PM - Subject "Carl" stares at chalkboard.

6:49 PM - Subject "Carl" eats chalk then laughs at his feet.

Little Steve DeBerg

Collin cut his finger this morning.  It's all our fault.  He woke up before us and headed out into the family room, where some of mommy and daddy's Christmas gifts haven't been put away yet.  On the coffee table was a little paring knife that Lisa received from my mom.  The blade was covered by a little slab of cardboard.  Collin found it and was very curious.  The end result...

...a Kansas City Chiefs quarterback in the making.

The Price Is Right

The other day I am watching the Price Is Right before we leave the house to run errands.  Today I am still slightly befuddled at what I saw.  I witnessed the oldest person alive having the luckiest Price Is Right streak ever!!!  At one moment I ever screamed in joy at the television because I was so happy for her. She was so old I don't think she even realized what was going on.  We will call her Betty.  Here is what went down:

First Betty was chosen as one of contestants to "Come on down" by the announcer.  This is lucky in it's own way.  Then the first 4 members of Contestants' Row had to guess the price of a grandfather clock.  A fancy bell starts going off because somebody had guessed the exact price.  It was Betty. So not only was she the first to hit the stage, she was awarded $500 for her great guess.  Next up for her was the Race Game.  Betty, being Betty, got all 4 correctly on her very first try. Good job, Betty.  Then a few more contestants did their thing before it was time to spin the Big Wheel, where Betty the last of three to spin.  The first woman went over 100 in her two tries.  The gay guy that went next got 75 on the first try and elected to stay.  So Betty had to spin a 75 or better to continue to the Showcase Showdown. Her first spin was 40. Her second spin was 60 giving her an exact 100. She was happy.  Not only was she moving on but because she got to 100, she was given extra spin to win some extra dough.  If she spins and lands on either of the two green spaces (5 & 15) she would win $5,000.  If she lands on the silver 100 space, she would win $10,000. Can you guess what she landed on?  The old bat landed on the silver 100.  Even Drew Carey was beside himself.  Betty was beating every angle.  If the Price Is Right were a Las Vegas casino Betty would have been kicked to the curb already.  The lucky streak up to this point would have been good enough for anybody, but Betty wanted more. She went on to the Showcase Showdown, passed on the first showcase and decide to bid on the new trailer and the trip to Tokyo. She won. She won it all.  

Betty had beaten the Price Is Right system that day.  Who knows how she did it, but I seriously doubt if it will ever be repeated.  My hat goes off to you Betty.  If you die, please do not give the trip to Tokyo to your 12 cats.  That will make me hate you to no end.

My Latest Obsession

The Dark Knight trailer

You Don't Know Jack

Growing up, my father was never really the easiest person to get along with. Even if you were his children. His attitude was basically... if you didn't think like him, then you were a bum. Being grumpy and short-tempered were 2 best qualities, with his sense of humor coming in a strong third. Retirement though has tamed him. I feel that he is definitely a different person now than he was back then.

On that note, here are a few things about him that still irritate me to no end...

• Whenever he calls and we are unable to get to the phone, he immediately assumes we are screening our calls on purpose. Then he will leave annoying messages like, "Screening your calls again? What's the point in even having a phone?" or "Boy i can't wait until i get a cell phone so i can never answer it."

• He knows i am a huge Chiefs, Royals & KU Jayhawks fan, and for some strange reason he really gets a kick out of telling me how awful they are. Take this year's Chiefs team for example. I know they are horrid. But does my father really need to call me Monday afternoon just to say, "Sooooo, how do you like your Chiefs? God they stink." It's easy for him because he doesn't have a favorite team anywhere. That way nobody can tell him how awful his teams are. It's ingenious actually.

• Whenever we have to meet him somewhere, like for dinner, and we show up 2-3 minutes late, he make a huge deal about it. "What's the deal? I said 5:30" or "No big surprise, can you ever make it on time?" If i give him a reason, it is always followed by a "Yeah, right." I think i may have cured him of this problem though. There was one rare instance that he was actually late, like 15 minutes late. He showed up at the restaurant and started spouting off all these obstacles (all his wife's fault) that made him late. Instead of giving him a taste of his own medicine i decided to let it slide. Instead i told him that i was kind of hoping that i had shown up late because i had a good comeback for his complaints. He loved it!!!
  

"Can you ever be on time?"

"I'll be on time to your funeral."

Happy Birthday Lisa!!!

My lovely wife turns one year younger today.  She is as beautiful today as she was the first day i met her.  

I love you Leese.

The Unexplained

The quality of the video isn't great because it was shot with our digital camera.

Who is your favorite Superman?

Mine would have to be Christopher Reeve, simply because i grew up with him as Superman.  The first Superman, George Reeves, was way before my time. Tom Welling is good, but he mainly portrays a young Clark Kent, not quite yet Superman.  The latest Man of Steel, Brandon Routh, is very convincing, but i can not tell if it is only because he looks and acts like Reeve's Superman, especially his portrayal of Clark. Dean Cain shouldn't even be credited.

So in my opinion Christopher Reeve is the best Superman.  I was even hoping he would have made another Superman movie after his equestrian mishap.  

Superman V:  Superman Swallows Kryptonite

It would follow the normal story patterns of every other Superman film. Including the inability to tell the difference between Clark Kent and Superman.

"Gee Clark, it sure is a coincidence that both you and Superman got into the same kind of accident that left you both rendered in a wheelchair."

"It sure is Lois.  It sure is."

All of his powers would be hindered just a little, of course. Transportation by flying is impossible.  Now he just kind of hovers here to there.  The ability to see through walls is gone.  He can now only see to the studs.  And that all powerful super-breathe that could knock down anything, will now simply just mess up your hair a bit.

Yes, it would be a sad movie.  Even the villains would feel sorry for Superman. I can see Lex Luthor wheeling Superman around in the park for an afternoon stroll.  The two of them discussing past memories and even the weather. Perhaps out of the nature of his heart, Lex drops his old friend a little hint.

"My my my Superman, what a beautiful day for a walk in the park. Birds chirping.  Children laughing.  The wind blowing.  Beautiful day indeed.  My men are going to be robbing the 10th street bank at noon on Thursday.  Oh, I do believe I hear the ice cream man."

Only Christopher Reeve could have done this movie justice.  So for now, it goes back on the shelf.

Mitchell Report

The investigation report about steroids in baseball came out today.  Here it is in all it's glory...

Mitchell Report

Only one current Kansas City Royals player was named, Carlos Guillen, and they just signed him less then a week ago.  He was outed before the report became public and will get a 15 day suspension, in which the players association is appealing. 

All the other Royals are in the clear, except for Sluggerrr.  There is something freakishly wrong with that lion.

Crap your pants and faint

I like horror films, but they are just not realistic to me.  In any horror film that involves a gruesome, grotesque creature, the people that come across it always scream and then run away. That is not realistic to me.  Take the Alien movies for example.  Those things are so hideous that if you were walking around in a space station and turned the corner only to see it's slimey face staring back at you, i would bet money that you would crap your pants and faint.  That seems logical.  Now if it were just a rapid dog, then surely one would runaway from that.  But an Alien?  No.  You would crap your pants and faint.

In fact, if i were a character in those Alien movies, they would use me as a decoy to kill all the aliens.  

Commanding Officer - "All right Jared, all you have to do is go in that room and see if there are any aliens in there."

Me - "Okay."

Then i would just walk in and look around

Me - "Are there any aliens in here?"

Alien - "Rrrrrrrooowwwwwwwwerrrrrr! Rrrrrroooowwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeerrrrr!"

Me - "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! "

Then comes the crapping of the pants and the fainting.

Stunned Alien - "Huh?"

Commanding Officer - "THERE HE IS!!!!  SHOOT HIM!!!"

BANG!  BIGGITY!  BAM-BAM!  RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!! BOOM BOOM BOOM!!!

Commanding Officer - "Hold your fire!  Hold your fire!  We killed him.  Wake up Jared, we killed it.  Good Job soldier.  Now put on some clean pants and lets check the next room."

That all just seems more realistic to me.

Only in Branson

Death Wish

If I were to die today I would like it to be a slow death.  So slow that I would have time to write to all my loved ones and tell them goodbye.  Because i do not want to be one of those spirits stuck in an unbalanced universe where they just sit and suffer the torment of loss and emptiness.  Never knowing if his or her soul will ever be healed. That I would not care for.  That is why if I were to die today I would like it to be a slow death.  Perhaps being dropped from a plane. Yeah.  With a pen and paper too.  Oh, and a desk.  That would be great.

My "Turning 75" to-do list

• Trade in driver's license for handbook of spells
• Purchase Scott Summer's brand sunglasses with coupon
• Recruit evil army of mall walkers 
• Learn to teleport to Bob Evans 
• Bicker at squirrels
• Drive a golf cart into a lake and blame it on computers
• Literally write checks my butt can't cash
• Fill walking cane with whiskey
• Learn to tap dance
• Whip her 
• Snap her
• Re-open Tippins Restaurants 
• Collect deadly coins
• Move La-Z-Boy to front porch
• Take over the world by 4pm
• Sleep like a ninja

Dobby the House Cat

On September 28th, 2007, my family adopted a 14 week old formerly stray kitten at Pet Connection in Mission, KS.  This was the first time i had ever adopted a pet before.  I expected the whole adoption process to cost around $100 (tags, membership  & administrative fees, etc...) and was very surprised that it was only $45.  I ended up donating $55 to the shelter before i left.  Two months later he had to go back. 

Dobby the house cat (named after the house elf in the Harry Potter books) was only at home for one day before he started coughing, wheezing, and kitty gagging.  At first we just thought that our place was dusty, but then decided that he needed to be looked at.  Pet Connection offered a list of "first visit free" vets that they were associated with, so we picked one.  Turns out that Dobby had a respiratory infection that he probably picked up before Pet Connections.  My first thought, "It would have been nice to know this before i adopted him."  I remembered that in the Pet Connection Membership program, there was a medical guarantee for 10 days. Well, this was only 7 days since the adoption so i gave them a call. Turns out i didn't purchase the guarantee which was only, according to them, a "$25 donation fee".  I guess the $55 that i did donate goes to lunch for the staff or something.  Anyway, two weeks worth of antibiotics later and Dobby's little coughing, wheezing, kitty gagging had gone away, and he was back to being the playful little kitten that he was born to be.  

Less than a week after the respiratory episode we start noticing that Dobby has been spending a lot of time under our bed.  Sometimes cats do that, so we didn't think much of it.  Then we start noticing that he has been eating less and less of his food each night.  It got to the point where he wasn't even touching what was in his dish.  When we would force Dobby out from under the bed, he just seemed so depressed or something.  Definitely sick again.  So we call the vet and set up an appointment.  In the days leading up to the vet visit, we wonder if the Science Diet kitty food is too tough for little Dobby's teeth.  I open up a can of tuna and Dobby digs in like there's no tomorrow.  He eats about four times a day for two days and starts showing little signs of life again.  The vet, without going into lots of vet detail, says he definitely has something wrong with him.  The do some blood tests, prescribe more antibiotics, and send him home.

Before Dobby, i have only owned one other cat, Kitty.  She lived 14 great years before having to be put to sleep.  Her last two days were awful.  It was like she had just decided that she didn't want to live anymore.  She went from mobile, verbal cat to blind, stinky, on death's door.  The vet said she must have been fighting it for some time.  It was like she was old and didn't want anyone to know she was old, so she kept it a secret until she couldn't keep it no more. Well, those last two days of Kitty's life is kind of what Dobby has been for three weeks.  

Blood tests came back positive for F.I.P. and the vet believe that Dobby would die from it.  My first thought, "It would have nice to know this before i adopted him".  As angry as i am with Pet Connection, i can't help feeling sorry for this poor cat.  There is no way we can keep him. There are still more tests that could be done that might help him, but i have to agree with the vet, this cat will not live.  

So i contact the evil Pet Connection place and inform them of Dobby's status.  After about a half an hour of them trying to tell me that the vets were wrong, they ask if i wanted to return him.  Dobby went back the very next day.  I signed the papers and turned Dobby's ownership back to them.  I feel incredibly sad.  Dobby was a wonderful cat.  Cute face with an awkward nose.  Squeaky meow. Very loving.  He loved to be held, pet & snuggled.  He was one of those cats that attacked your face with his own.  Even when he was burdened by sickness, he would still yearn for human touch.  We all miss having him here.  I told Pet Connection that we would like to be updated on his status.  Either way i will be sad.  If he doesn't make it, i won't be surprised, but i will still be sad.  If he somehow pulls through and makes a full recovery, i will be extremely happy, but very sad.  Because i know that we won't get to live with possibly the sweetest house cat there ever could be.

Look out blog world

This guy is here!  I originally wanted to name this place Hair of the Blog, but it was taken. Bastards!!!  Oh well.  That's what i get for jumping on a ship that set sail 3 years ago.